Encyclopedia Intergalactica – The Second Coming of Zor

The following entry is taken from the Encyclopedia Intergalatica (10, 504th Edition; Encyclopedia Intergalatica Publishers, Inc.; Cygnus X-1 Star System; All Right Reserved).

The Second Coming of Zor
(see also Zor, Gor, The Holy Sponge, etc., etc., ad nauseum)

The Second Coming of Zor originates in the Sirius Star System (SSS), namely the extremely bright binary stars: Sirius A and B. Mistakenly thought of as merely stars for many millions of lightyears, tenacious scientists from Cephalon discovered that the stars were actually small planets whose inhabitants were afraid of the dark and simply left their lights on all the time.

For over 3,000 years, the Zor religion gained prominence first in the SSS, and then spread throughout the Peleidian Star System. In the early years, this was mostly due to the fact that Zorlet priests preferred to beat humanoids over the heads into submission with the mammoth Book of Jopat (volumes one through twenty). Zorism was by far the most popular of all religions, with the cult of Hithros, the eternally vengeful space hog, coming in a close second.

Zor was a prophet whom his followers believed to be the stepson of the supposed Great Creative Intelligence of the Universe, Gor. (Apparently, Gor wasn’t aware he’d divorced and remarried (or that he was a deity) and spent most of his time playing golf on the pleasure planet of Zed and its moons, Three Naughts; as an added editorial note, some Gor atheists contend that Zor was so annoyed with his followers for misconstruing everything he said, that he jumped aboard a spacecruiser to join his father for an eternal round of golf.)

Zor’s followers believed Gor and Zor were part of a divine trinity, the third component being a moldy Holy Sponge, averred to be Gor’s own personal bathtub sponge sent down to the world for all to be clean with. After several monks came down with dysentery, the practice of bathing with the Holy Sponge was expunged from the Book of Toth. For millennia, many Zorlet pilgrims made the arduous journey to the sponge in the Temple of Pfft in the desert of Buttz. Along the way, pilgrims were treated to views of various other relics in chapels set up along the trail, including a remarkable collection of Second Age prophets’ bellybutton lint and a lock of ear hair from an unknown, but supposedly quite shaggy, Zorlet avatar.

In the Sirius year of 4,242, fears of impending environmental, political, and economic collapse swept the world. Complete annihilation and disaster seemed inevitable. Zorlet leaders of The Intergalactic Church of Zor believed this (and the birth of an albino circus horse who turned algae into a really nasty Zarblefunk cocktail) to be portentous of the second coming of Zor, who would return to take his believers away and leave those behind to suffer fire, brimstone, and all the other insurmountable disasters and plagues that come from a loving deity who declares eternal damnation upon his creations because they didn’t believe he existed.

What follows is an interview with Jerlock Wellfelt, Zorlet head priest, on the then popular televiewer show, “Let’s Get Sirius”, minutes prior to the event that changed the course of Sirian history:

Tahmi Starfark: I’d like to welcome Jerlock Welfelt. It’s nice to have you here, sir.

Jerlock Wellfelt: Well, I won’t be here long, but thank you anyway.

TS: So the big guy’s really coming back?

JW: He’s coming to, and I quote: “to bear judgment upon all the worlds, and he shall issue forth from the sky, and rend open the clouds, light shall be sucketh out like that of a wormhole, and he will descend, riding on the impenetrable backs of the six giant star turtles of the apocalypse.”

TS: Are the turtles the reason it’s taken him so long to get back to Sirius? I mean, it’s been what – 3,000 years?

JW: Go ahead, make fun. We can take it.

TS: All I’m saying is that if Zor is the stepson of Gor, whom you believe created the universe from the gas and debris of a very long fart, why wouldn’t he return on a Baltharian XL Star Cruiser? I mean, it’s fast and it’s got a lot of style and panache.

JW: Zor was a humble acetic. That’s why we tell our followers to give all their possessions to the Intergalactic Church of Zor so we can support our ambassadorial initiatives. We renounce the material world.

TS: As can be seen by your diamond-encrusted cape and scythe. How big are the turtles?

JW: Biggest ones in the universe. Really scary lookin’ fellas, too.

TS: You know there’s an old story.

JW: And what’s that?

TS: A Teluthian guru says to a young monk, “Our planet rides on the back of a giant turtle.” The monk asks, “What’s under the turtle?” “Another turtle,” replies the guru. “And under that?” asks the monk. The guru smiles and says, “It’s turtles all the way down.” (Laughs) Before we get to the details of the imminent apocalypse, let’s take a step back. What are the tenets of your cult?

JW: First of all, it’s not a cult, it’s a religion.

TS: But it started out as a cult.

JW: If you call the coming together of three fish, a salesman, and a window dresser a cult, then sobeit.

TS: So are there a certain amount of followers a cult needs before it can graduate to the religion department, and speaking of fish, do animals parley into the equation?

JW: I believe the number to certify a religion is roughly ten million, but don’t quote me on that. As for animals, if they want to believe, then they’ll be saved, if not, they’ll burn with the lot of you.

TS: What’s the basic creed of your religion?

JW: Zor taught us to love each being in the universe and treat each other as we would like to be treated.

TS: Do you eat meat?

JW: Love it.

TS: And that’s how you’d like to be treated? Fattened up, butchered, roasted and served on a bed of greens?

JW: Don’t be ridiculous.

TS: So Zor’s coming back to destroy us because he loves us?

JW: He’s not destroying his followers, just everyone else.

TS: Is this why your church has been responsible for 97% of the wars in this star system, and also a few in the Peleidian system?

JW: I don’t know about those statitstics, but I do know that we’re fighting a war to spread the love of Zor, and beings can either accept it or not. If they don’t, when they die they go to the twelfth circle of Arnoz to live for eternity with Betty.

TS: Betty, the Star Harlot?

JW: You got it.

TS: Super, super. Great gal.

JW: We're all about love and respect for all living things, oh, and charity, yes, charity.

TS: Except for those who don’t think like you.

JW: I think I’ve had just about enough of this. Listen, Zor and Gor are in charge of everything – they’ve got it under control, that’s why we don’t really worry about anything. And what with the Holy Sponge, we’re free from worry and uncleanliness. It’s very liberating.

TS: Free from caring about the planet?

JW: In the fourth book of Bork, tenth verse, Gor states explicitly: “And ye shall rule and have dominion over the world.” So we can do what we want because Zor’s coming back anyway. If he wanted to save the world, he would, so who cares if it all goes to Arnoz?

TS: But some might interpret Gor’s words as meaning we must be stewards or caretakers, not reckless exploiters of the planet.

JW: You say nuclear, I say nucular.

TS: I think it’s time we wrap the proverbial stardust around this conversation, so I ask you, what's really going to happen when Zor returns? I think our audience would like to know.

JW: He calls up all his Zorlets to the sky and we ride to paradise on the backs of the star turtles where we live for two thousand years with new bodies…bodies with four arms and two heads, thus doubling the orchestral and choral bits of the heavenly band which will play and sing glory hallelujah for all eternity.

TS: And what about us down here?

JW: Oh, you perish at the hand of Betty, who’ll reign for two thousand years on Sirius. Then Zor comes back again and sets up his real paradise.

TS: Some people say they’ll be happy when –

[The sound of trumpets]

TS: I say, what’s that?

JW: Gor be praised! It’s –

Wellfelt never did get to finish his sentence, because directly after the last trumpet sounded, he disappeared and was taken up to the sky to the six giant star turtles of the apocalypse on which Zor was riding, along with the rest of his believers. The turtles turned and shot off in a blast of fire and smoke that lit up the sky.

Rather than being shocked by the disappearance of over three hundred million humanoids from Sirius and surrounding star systems, the beings who remained on the planets rejoiced and partied non-stop for the next year. The environment was healed due to concerted, global efforts unimpeded by Zorlet beliefs, wars ended, economies based on love and respect boomed, and everyone took a live and let live attitude and left each other pretty much alone. The Holy Sponge was placed on a star that went supernova, and the last bits of religious relics were fed to a Peleidian wombat. Nobody really questioned the “taking up” of the Zorlets because life was much better after they’d gone. Peace and beauty had returned to the worlds.

At the end of the two thousand years, Betty had never shown up and the planets continued to prosper. The humanoids had forgotten about the prophecy of the return of Zor to set up his new kingdom, and apparently, so had Zor. (He was winning his golf game with Gor by one stroke after a miraculous hole in one.)

Editor’s Note:
At the time of the Second Coming of Zor, then President of the Sirius Star Federation was on his deathbed. Before he expired, he supposedly imparted information about a covert deportation mission to his trusted aide, Randill Quark. The veracity of the following, which was preserved in Quark’s diary, can neither be proved or disproved. We leave that to the judgment of the reader:

As the president lay dying, he whispered into my ear that rather than have the Zorlets bring about the destruction of two star systems, and possibly many more, it was the Federation’s plan to banish them by fabricating the second coming of Zor and the “taking up” of his believers. Over the last century, a nanochip had been secretly placed into the Zorlets’ mystical energy drink, Zor-Aid. When the Federation was ready, the President summoned the turtle-shaped ships that government engineers had constructed for the imposed exodus. On top, rode a hologram of Zor jumping up and down and blowing on trumpets. The Federation scientists then activated the nanochip in the Zorlets’ brains, which de- and then re-materialized them onto the turtle ships. Thinking they were headed to paradise, they rejoiced as the ships took off into deep space and sang many hymns. However, I must include the president’s last words as a warning for future generations: “…had to get rid of them…better off…but beware…ships crashed on planet…close by…primitive world…feel bad for the monkeys…Zorlets’ll probably try to convert them, too...watch the skies....”